Given the oncoming (and mostly media-created) hue and cry regarding gunnnnnn controllllllll following the horrific massacre at Virginia Tech, I had a bit of an epihphany.
Thus, rather than denigrating my hoplophobic fellow citizens, I thought it prudent to ascend to a higher, more peaceable road; a road where we might walk together on common ground, as it were.
Prior to the carnage at Virginia Tech, one of the foremost topics in the news, opinions, editorials and even at the Oscars, has been the oncoming, unstoppable juggernaut which is Global Warming. And, even though I disagree with the premise itself, I must admit that the proponents thereof have hit upon a magnificent marketing plan scam in support of their cause.
The idea of assuaging one's guilt by the purchase of indulgences is hardly new. In fact, that was once a feature of the early church, before being at long last halted by in Sixtus IV in 1478. In today's cult of Gaia worshippers, these heretofore restricted indulgences have reflourished in the form of Carbon Offset Credits, which is perhaps the greatest fund raising idea fraud and swindle since the development of the Nigerian 419 scam.
You see, the way that Carbon Offset Credits work is sort of like this:
1. You must first feel a tremendous amount of personal guilt regarding your wanton descrution of the Planet Earth Mother Gaia.
2. In order to assuage, or offset this terrible guilt, you must then stop taking cross-country flights in your Gulfstream, and cease driving to Global Warming conferences in your Cadillac Escalade, as well as making other less dramatic cutbacks to your energy consumption arrange for some poor, downtrodden brown person in a third world country to plant a few dozen hapless seedlings in unfertilzed soil and without adequate irrigation.
3. The growth demise of these green, leafy plants withered stalks will then provide for more absorbtion of the CO2 gas generated by Evil Western Capatilism Al Gore's endless boring lectures and the fuel burned to get him to the same.
4. It is in purchasing these Holy Indulgences Carbon Offset Credits that one finds absolution for their Carbonious Excesses, assuaging their guilt at the feet of the High Priest Al Gore of the Gaiahood herself.
5. The riches amassed to the High Priest Al Gore then serve to futher enable more Gulfstream flights to more frozen cities and frigid lecture halls. They also provide the necessary offset to fund the electricity bill of the High Priest's Temple Al Gore's Tennessee mansion, with it's consumption of twenty-times the electrictiy used in an average American home.
6. This system becomes self-sustaining when sufficeint Carbon Offset Credit receipts accrue, so as to fund not only the aforementioned planting of cherished doomed greenery, but the cost of operations of the whole Carbon Offset Credit operation scheme. Oh, and keeping His Holiness Al Gore's house mansion delightfully cool in the (Globally Warmed) summer, and snugly warm in the (Globally Warmer) brutally frigid Tennessee winter.
Do kindly note that the sum of points 1 through 6 above do refer to a legally recognized Not For Profit oganization. It is thus given that the highest officers of such an organization may be paid a nice, comfy salary. In, oh..... say the mid six-figures? Four to Six Hundred Thousand a year ought to suffice. Plus expenses such as private Gulfstream flights (with enterouge), worldwide. Oh, and performance bonuses. For, you know.... bringing in even more Carbon Offset Credits (cash tributes) to the .....um..... "Not For Profit" coffers.
This is a simply brilliant business plan fraudulent scheme, guaranteed to enrich ....... well, a very damn few select elites, that's certain.
Okay, so back to my rapproachment with between the tree-huggers and us gunnies.
Still though, one is often best counciled to bend with one's opponents, rather than to fight directly against them.
And so, in the spirit of reconciliation, here's my plan:
I. The hoplophobe must feel a tremendous amount of either a: liberal guilt, or b; great anger, or c; (b, due to a.) ..... for not having done enough to abort the rights of Baby Vulcan....um, er...guilt over the erstwhile proliferation of privately owned weapons by the (very evidently) free citizens of these United States.
II. In order to assuage, or offset this terribile guilt or anger, our intrepid hopolophobe must then arrange for a situational savior of noble character me to acquire and secure every possible firearm available to me, and for me to secure said evil guns precious weapons in innumerable gunsafes (under my personal control, of course!) and in numerous museums open to the public. This of course, has the net effect of getting countless thousands of guns of all sorts "off of the streets". This fullfulls a cherished goal of liberals gun fearing wussies, everywhere.
IIa. These guns will not be melted down, put into metal grinders or even buried. Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much energy is consumed to melt down even a single gun? Can't be done, anyway. As everyone Rosie O'Pig knows, fire cannot melt steel!
No, instead, I shall take a high-definition photo of each and every gun, and will send the purchaser of the Gun Offset Credit a personal proof of the contribution they've made. Bet'cha Al Gore doesn't send pictures of withered, dessicated plants growing dying under the searing sub-saharan sun, eh?
III. The successful growth of this my arsenal collection of guns of all kind, be they base or baroque, will then provide material inspiration for the gun fearing liberals, who, upon seeing the aforementioned photographic proof of thousands upon thousands of guns, (stored safely off of the street, of course!). Said hopolophobes will then find themselves utterly inspired to donate more and ever more cash to my cause, that of securing as many guns as possible from the evil free market (two birds in one, there!).
IV. It is in purchasing these Holy Indulgences Gun Offset Credits that the gun-fearing liberal finds absolution for their personal failures to have bought their own icons of evil incarnate guns and to store them securely; thus assuaging thier guilt for having so neglected the Baby Vulcan.
V. The riches amassed to the High Priest me will then serve to further enable more (and endless) gun purchases from every maufacturer, vendor, jobber and legal gunstore in these great United States. They will also provide the necessary offset to fund the purchase of countless warehouses, gunsafes and the hire of numerous curators to oversee the good use and safekeeping of this glorious aresenal collection. In addition, I'd like to think there'd be enough leftover for the my occassional Gulfstream ride, yes?
VI. This system becomes self-sustaining when sufficient Gun Offset Credit receipts accrue, so as to fund not only the aforementioned purchasing of untold thousands of evil-incarnate guns, but also the whole cost of operations of the Gun Offset Credit Service, Inc. Oh, and keeping the supply of ammunition for said arms at a level no less than twenty times the National Rifle Association average for the normal shooter's usage thereof. Regardless of weather conditions.
. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ********* <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
And there you have it. All we need to do now is to get me on every possible TV talk show, (especially the early morning shows, where I can pull the most emotional heart-rendering stunts), get me on the college lecture circuit, and finally, get a major motion picture propoganda movie deal in the works.
Hey, if it works for a barely sentient multiple college dropout former Vice President, it oughta work for me!
So now, do go contact every bleeding heart liberal you can find, and direct them here to Smoke on the Water. There is a PayPal button a bit under my photo on the upper-right side of the page. Have 'em generously contribute, so that I might begin to acquire evil-incarnate guns at once! Dozens, hundreds.....thousands of them!
I'll do my part to help "keep guns off the street", in perpetuity. It is the least I can do.....
It is my Public Service.
I'm the Layabout Sailor, and I approved of this message.
Dibs on shotgun! - err, I mean to say, do you need a managing director, or chief operating officer, or better yet, "test range operator" for your new corporation? Because I'm willing to let you take all the glory (and publicity) while I test those evillll firearms for functionality, to demonstrate that we are truly keeping dangerous firearms off the street!
Posted by: Austin Mike | April 19, 2007 at 11:37 AM
You, good sir, are a genius.
I call dibs on the handguns... ;)
Posted by: Jay G | April 20, 2007 at 11:52 AM
Of course, one of the things retired military officers do is become curators of gun museums...Keep me in mind, Cap'n.
Posted by: Rivrdog | April 21, 2007 at 01:04 AM